What if?

What if you looked in the mirror one day and realized you were the type of person you hated?

What if you went back in time....would you really change anything? Or do fall back into your old pattern? Are you just who you are?

What if you weren't sure you were the type of person that you hated? What if you look and you are just confused? You stare and dig deep, but you get nothing...does that mean you are nothing?

Going further...you look around you with the people you surround yourself with, there are a lot like you in many ways, but they all have something different. Things you like about them, things you don't. You admire things about them, wish you had some of those qualities, you try them on and they don't fit right on you, so you tweak it and make a new trait. Your own trait.

You talk to people, you listen to people, b/c honestly how much introspection can you really do? You know what you think you're doing...you know your intentions behind it. You do it b/c you don't see anything wrong really. But people tell you what they think. Different people have different reactions, thoughts and feelings. Who's are more important? You feel bad for thinking of your own...so you look at others feelings...how do you decide which ones more. And is there one person's that is MORE important? Why is Hers more than His? Why is His more than Hers? And seriously why when you think of yourself are you branded egocentric and selfish? You can try to be Jesus, but no one is. People throw pity parties, we get obsessed with things that make us have moments of happiness, we like to think what we want. When is it too much?

Is it too much when you hurt one person more? Or is it too much when you hurt everyone all the time? Is it too much when you are hurting yourself? Is it all of that at once?

What do you choose? Why do you choose one? What's the right answer?

Do you try harder?

What if you got soooo many chances to make things better and you still did things to hinder it? Does that mean you really don't care, or you just don't understand?

What if you didn't know what was right? What if there wasn't really a right answer? What if you decided you could hold the guilt b/c you are so use to it? What if you can't deal with the consequences but decide to try anyway?

Why do people themselves in impossible situations? Do we like being victims? Like to feel like the pity parties are justified?

Why do we make it harder for other people who have to make the decisions?

Why do we make it easier?

Why don't we let things just fall?

What if no one lied? What if you decided to never lie again. Like in liar liar? Did that prove that all lies are bad or does it say that some lies are alright?

What if you died tomorrow would you be happy with all of the things you have done? Would you have regrets?

I am going to say of coarse I would, but I am not sure how I would change it or what I would change. B/c those choices/mistakes/paths are what make me what build me. I like me to an extent. I am still deciding on my traits. What I do know is that I have surrounded myself with people who love me and try to help me in the best way they know. My husband who I have hurt who for some reason still loves me even though he expects the hurt now. I have friends that try to do anything to make my life easier b/c they know how much of a screw up I can be. I have 2 friends who listen to everything good or bad and don't make judgements or judgemental statements about me or whatever I am talking about. They understand that I just need to vent. To all of the people in my life, I love you all. I do so much. I will screw up and sometimes I know I am doing it and sometimes I don't. And one day I will do things so that my decisions won't hurt anyone, one day I will figure it all out. But for now, Thank you.

Let's see what I've been thinking...

This is what I'm thinking...nothing! That's a lie...



How do you forget what you told someone...that is hurtful? Seriously! Doesn't make sense to me...



What constitutes being happy? I mean smiles all the time or is it just not being miserable? I mean can content be happy?



And who is anyone to tell you how you are suppose to be? I mean, no one ever really figures it out, b/c you are ALWAYS evolving. People are spounges and even if they think they aren't absorning they are, it just might not be as obvious as others. People are influenced by EVERYTHING. From other people, TV, movies, music, environment. So if you are changing those things around you, you change. No if's and's or but's. Right? SO who I am now, is not who I was or who I will be. So, to wait for someone or yourself to be something "better" isn't the smartest thing to do. "You aren't ready for...blah blah" or "I'm not ready for blah blah." You won't know until you're put in the situation. SO, I am who I am...And now this OLD Jonas Brothers Song is in my head...



And why do people feel like they are OWED something? Just because they exist. WTF?! I don't think so. You get out what you put in...you aren't owed anything for existing. I recognize I am where I am b/c I got me here. So it's up to me to change it if I want! But that doesn't mean I can't complain, don't get me wrong...you can whine all you want, but just not to anyone. I choose to whine to people who will listen or to myself, but I know it's in my hands...that's not a new concept. Anyone can have a pity party, that's just human. But that pity party isn't going to FIX anything, it just lets you be a little self-indulgent, which is ok...just a waste and if thats what you want to do then hey! Party away!



Nothing is worth the stress I put on myself, which is something I am coming to realize. I think about it more and more often, its just now I am putting into practice. I might be over doing it, but dude, I have been wound so tight the past 6 or 7 years, for me to just take a break doesn't seem so bad to me. It doesn't mean I don't care, but I am not putting any effort in drama or defenses...and when I feel done with something, then I'm done. I'm sorry if you guys get some of it, but dude, I have WAY more gray hair than I need. I need some fun and mindless entertainment sometimes. I need to think and say what I feel and be up front, and tell you what needs to be said, but I won't sit on a topic if its not doing anything. Just sitting and talking about the whats and whys won't fix it....this is what it is, so now where do we go from here...not, how did that happen...I know how it happened, doesn't matter, I understand where I went wrong, but now onto what needs to be done to rectify it. Make sense?



Hannah Montana got it right...Life's what you make it! HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry thats what was playing on my iPod...



Well, I guess that's all that is on my mind as of now...who knows what I might post later!

BTW- I wrote this about a week ago and just now posting it! Stay tuned for some more crap coming your way!

Therapy

If you would have talked to me Wednesday, or even Thursday before 7:15pm, I would have whined and been pissed about someone telling me I had gained a lot of weight. Someone who's opinion of me happens to mean a lot to me. Enough that while I was working on Thursday I had my iPod going with my headphones and tearing up a bit thinking about the words I read in the text. And then, my life had a big bumple...

I saw a woman walk into the store. Now this part is hard for me, which I almost find funny. I mean the night this happened I had to tell it a bajillion times to the poilce, detectives, forensic people...The owner if the store, my family...I mean I said it over and over again. And now it seems so hard. It's on replay in my head...I see it over and over again...but...anyway...the story. The woman came in to the store and asked about the phones the store sells. I tell her about it and when I finished and asked if she had any questions she pulls out this revolver(the only reason I know this is b/c that's what the police told me what it was) and says to me, "Look, I'm in a predicament. I have this gun and bleach and I need you to walk with me over here and get this money" My body honest to God went HOT. I mean it was like if you touched me I would have given 3rd degree burns. I went over to the register opened it and stepped back letting her take what she wanted. I let her touch everything. She asked for my keys and my purse. She was a little disappointed I only had 4 dollars, but she took the keys made me walk with her to the front where she proceeded to leave and lock me in the store. Now, I have to say I am proud looking back that I was a collected as I was with her. I mean, I stared at her face memorizing what I could, but I think that had a lot to do with not wanting to look at the gun. She watched me at the front as she walked away and as soon as I was out of her line of sight I ran to the my cell phone and the store's phone. I set off the silent alarm and VERY shakily called Tony, the store's owner. I left him a frantic message b/c at this point I was loosing it. I was frantic and scared and just couldn't hold it together. I called Kimberly, my brother's fiancee, she works at the store. I begged her to come up and let me out. I was still stuck in the store.

I called everyone. Mom, Dad, the police...and I was waiting for SOMEONE. Kimberly got to me first. I was just in and out of reality. I would be calm for two seconds and the I would cry. About 10 minutes later, a cop finally showed up. Where I proceeded to tell her the story. Soon more and more cops came and I told the story again and again. Then the owner and his wife came up. Then one detective...the my parents. They weren't allowed in the store yet. Trying to keep everything closed off until the forensics guy came and took prints. Then I met the forensics guy. And he was pretty awesome. The first guy who stopped for a second and hugging me and said, "First thing, is it's a good thing you're ok." Before asking questions or anything, he just aknowledged my feelings. Then I get to go to the backroom with Mr. Dragnet(that's not his real name, but he reminded me of the guy from the show) and he took my statement with a recorder and all. So, this is about the 100 millionth time I went over the story. Around this time, I felt dazed? I wonder if thats really how I felt. But I was just in a fog. I got to see my mom, who came in and just hugged me. Everyone was talking around me and I was sipping on water that someone had got me.

Later Mr. Dragnet asked me to take a ride with him, apparently they found someone that met my discription. I was crazy detailed on the face. I mean the woman had a lazy eye. I knew if I saw her again I would know her, no doubt. Anyway, we drove about 5 minutes down the road to a convenient store. There were already 4 other cop cars there lights going. I was in the taurus detective car. the ones without all the poilce crap on it. Incognito...I guess. The cops outside slowly walked the woman they caught to my sight, before they could ask me I knew, "That's her. That's her." I said it a few times feeling really tense. The guy that was in the back said to give him a minute that he would bring her a little closer to make sure I was sure. Mr. Dragnet next to me tried to calm me down. I was crying. He told me that she couldn't see in, the way the windows are designed with the tints and all...the man that was next to the woman now looked to the car and held up a thumbs up, asking if I still thought it was her. And I knew. It was her. Anyway, they formally arrested her at this point b/c then she ended up in one of the police cars and then I was left in the car alone while they went and searched her car.

I got back...to the store and it was done. I was told by Mr. Dragnet that I did a good job. And then by the remaining officers that I did a good job. And that didn't make me feel better. My mom drove me home. I was trying to be light hearted and joking. I didn't want to feel like a burden or a downer. Or I didn't want anyone to put anymore thought on me than normal.

I know I joke about being the center of the universe, but it is an act. I don't want people to make a fuss over me which is why I tend to downplay everything. I don't express hurt feelings...

I have slept with the lights on in the living room witht he TV very loud. Well, when I do sleep. I tend to sleep more once the sun comes up and people are awake. I don't want to be alone. I am scared to go back to that store. I am scared. And I HATE being scared. I HATE IT! I hate feeling like this...I hate constantly thinking about this! I hate it! I want to chop this out of my brain and just pretend it never happened. So I seclude myself and try to talk about an upcoming small trip. A trip to a concert that I am looking forward to.

I am in a house with the most high strung woman on the face of the earth. And I know she is worried about me and I don't want her to be. I have people surrounding me who want to help and I don't know what they could do. I can't talk anymore and I don't know what the hell to say to make me feel better. And someone asked, "What is it like to face your own mortality?" Like now I am suppose to have a clear view of what I want and know that my life could end at any moment so I should be proud and be where I want to be. And I want to jump into life and live it the way I always wanted to, but I am not any surer of what I want. Like what I want to do, what is my passion. Where I see myself...Right now I am scared and don't want to do much of anything. I have been to the bathroom, the couch and my parents room in my house. That's it!

This is way too long of me rambling and carrying on. Just wanted to write something out, b/c that's usually the most honest I am and maybe it's a small step into whatever I need to do to be better. To be me again. B/c I don't feel like me.

It's All Fucked Up!

This is what I want to say to someone who just doesn't ever listen!


Dear Avery(AKA My DELUSIONAL Husband),

I hate you. I hate you so much. There is not amount of love between us that can fix where we are. You have this CRAZY notion about marriage that we are now an constant unit. I am not Andrea and you are not Avery, but we are hence forth always Andrea and Avery. And NO! I did NOT sign up for that. I wanted to share our lives with each other. Because I truly believed I love you.

YOU however are NOT my obsession. YOU are NOT the only person in my life. You are NOT the only musician I like. YOU are NOT going to tell me what is right for ME!

I will not tell you what to do. I will not dictate this relationship. You are just as free to walk away from this if you don't like it. Hell you know what, you have walked away. You left. You HAD to move across the fucking country. To a small, small town...this is coming from the man who told me he needed a city. New York City...Orlando...LA...and where are you? Clarkston, WA...does anyone know where the fuck that is?!

GOD! I just HATE you! How did I get to be this way, Avery? How the hell did I get so damn insecure that I can't leave you straight on YOUR ass and not look back?! Hell you can do that to me! But no. I am so damn convinced is that you are all I am ever going to get!!! The best I can ever have! And I'm not worth looking for something better! Seriously, WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!

Apparently I am killing myself in your eyes. That I am detrimental to my own health. Well, Just leave me be, and think I am dead. Please. Just let me be. Let me die in your eyes.

With that, goodbye.
Andrea

My Letter to David Cook...

Dear David Cook,

You know, you are awesome. Fan from the get go. I even thought you were amazing WITH the hair in the beginning(during the top 24, the audition hair was alright ;) ). And now you are the American Idol for 2008 thanks to those who voted for you (I voted in my sleep)!

Now, I went to see you in Atlanta on the AI tour...it was great, except Larry King stopped you guys from coming out before the show, and you just don't come out after the show, and well, that was sad for me. But it's ok! I still loved ya.

Then I saw you again in Atlanta Dec. 15th, and you friggin rocked it! It was awesome being right up to the stage and just watching you! Then I met Brillo head(long story) and not you, which was sad...But I did have the best drink in the world that night, Thanks Bartender Lady!

And now, here I am waiting like a drug addict for your damn "tewer" dates and they are coming out soooooo slowly and you are going around your ass crack in the first 3 days! Good LORD! If these damn dates would just come out, I could make some plans decide MY BEST PLAN of action to get out there and see you! But, you mysteriously put out these random things that get to ME way late and now these OLD COUGAR women are flying across country and taking all of the darn tickets to the one show you have up, which very well might be the only one close to me! Oh, wait there's a show in Tallahassee, but I don't know WHERE AT in Tallahassee! COME ON! DATES! OUT! NOW! It would behoove you to give them out so maybe some of us poor younger fans just getting started in life and aren't in college could maybe come see you before you go onto the BIG arenas and make it THAT much more difficult to reach you.

Thank you so much...I still love you, and want to have your babies, like the Natasha Beddingfield song.

Drue(I'm a girl)

Bored!

Yea, I am bored!

It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I am utterly bored! But with that, it gives me time to think about how stupid people are!

There is this site I go to where people post about things. It about one celebrity in particular, right? So it's just a spot where fans put up something maybe another fan hasn't seen, or talk about meeting them, or whatever. It's suppose to be fun.

So, fans....comes from the word fanatic right? Fanatic is a pretty intense word. So to be a fan of someone you are pretty intense about your "feelings" for them and whatever their art is. So for especially younger girls to be a fan its gotta be pretty intense. I rememner back in my Hanson loving days and being so invested in them. Their songs, seeing them in concert. It was like my life! So now, when I see these young girls on this site over a new talent get so excited and emotional, I remember what it was like. For me now, it's not quite like that anymore, but I can understand. But not these old bitches on this site. They constantly remind these girls to calm down and basically don't be ridiculous. They call it absurd and borderline disrespectful that they cry watching a performance. Seriously?! Leave these girls alone! Because you are SO OLD and CRANKY that you have to make these girls feel dumb for their feelings, come on! This man they are fans of wouldn't do that to them, what gives YOU the right?! You don't think this guy has ever seen a performance and cried b/c it touched him?! COME ON! And on other threads they fight about standing in line to see this person on a TV show, so a group of people started the line EARLY in the morning, and these same mean old bitches try and call them outm b/c they didn't want to. Well fine, you didn't want to! Why do you have to tell these people they were being rude and trying to make them feel less of a fan, blah blah blah. Seriously? You're 80 years old, haven't you grown out of it?!

And seriously, the guy is a celebrity now, right? He chose the lifestyle, he could have decided to stay in mediocrity and live a normal life playing bars. So, when you are a celebrity, not that I am saying it is fair, but losing some of your privacy is a given. It is going to happen. So for you to get all pissy b/c these interviewers are asking your precious celebrity a private question, come on! you are lying to yourself if you say you don't want to know. Because that means you don't read People magazine, you don't look at magazine covers or celebrities babies and you completely stay away from EVERY bit of an interview that has NOTHING to do with their Album or new movie. Other than that YOU are prying into their life too just by listening! Come on! These people who willingly go into stardom, like people who go and try out on let's say AMERICAN IDOL! they know what the hell is going to happen if they win. And let's say if they ask someone out on TV well now the nation is let in on that. You let the people in, and now they are invested in that part of your life. You will be asked, and asked, and asked! So, answer the question and move on!

Yea...see what happens when I am bored? Stay out of my WAR PATH! LOL.

So, those are my random thoughts for today! Peace out!

A looong day

Another one of those whopper of a days today...

I slept all of 4 hours, which sorta sucks. Not necessarily the worst in the world I know, but hey, I like my sleep and I'm a little grumpy when its cut short.

I get up to do my brother a favor, not too big of a deal, except I didn't really want to. But, I didn't have a reason not to, figuring he works and right now I don't. So I went to do him a favor, which was really small to begin with, but on my way turned into something bigger. SO, that was a little frustrating. AND then I get there and what he told me he wanted was impossible! It costs more than he told me it would, so I had to put in what LITTLE money I had for it, and then when I call him to tell him, he tells me I did it wrong. WHAT?! I do you a favor, I go over your instructions you say that's right, I do it and it goes wrong, and now I got it wrong?! WTF! Seriously? Yea, I know this is a bunch of whining, but you're talking to someone who is majorly down right now.

Last night when I couldn't sleep, it was like my iPod knew I was not having a good time and tried to help me out with it...and played every song that makes me cry! Good grief!

I guess the just of it all is, I kow I did someone wrong. There's no if's, and's, or buts about it. I am hurting them. All because I have this problem with everything in my life. I want to just start over and don't know how...

I gotta pee right now.... We'll see if I add more...I'll probably just decide to bitch a little more...but hey atleast it will be about other people later and not about my pity party!