My very first!

Here I go, losing my blogging virginity...

I wasn't exactly sure why anyone besides a self absorbed celebrity would even bother doing this...All be it, I actually find my fave celebs blogs and actually read them as soon as they are updated...but why shouldn't I write a blog? What is so special about them that I feel like my words or thoughts or well wishes to the masses are any less. Maybe no one will read them, maybe they will! But in the end, who cares! You do this for yourself at first if you aren't a celebrity, you do this to satiate your own ego. Then if people actually decide they want to read it, then maybe you can lie to yourself and say that you are doing it for your audience...I will go out and tell you, I am doing this for me and me alone. My own ego...to help me feel like maybe I am not alone in anything.

Today wasn't a good day for me. And only because I am wallowing in my own self pity. I quit my job 4 months ago thinking I was going to go off and actually be with someone. That's not what happened, not at all. And honestly I don't think I really had any real intentions of going...I want change I preach it to myself all of the time, but that is definately not what I had in mind. So for 4 months I have been unemployed and miserable. Good God, who would have thought not working would be so depressing.

I should finish school one of these days, but I am at the point where you have to have some sort of area to actually study, and Lord only knows what the hell I want to do there. I can do the "smart" thing and be a teacher, a definate job when I get out, or do I take a chance and do something I want to do. And then, what the hell do I do? I use to dance, use to...haven't done that in 4 years. I thought about taking up photography, b/c that seems like an awesome thing to learn. Ah who knows...

Anyway, today wasn't a good day. I had a mini meltdown. Realizing my new failure at life...I have hurt someone who still might not win the nicest guy in the world trophey, but doesn't deserve what I am putting him through. I am relying on a lot from my parents...and by this time in my life I should be better at the self preservation technique. And I am so far in my own little world I am not paying attention to anyone or anything esle around me. I am solost in my own crap, that I can't see straight!

So what I do? Do I make a decision and just follow it? Yea, who really does that? Who finds that so easy that it just happens...The thing is I want to live, but I don't want to do it alone...I want to share experiences in my life so I have someone to always talk to about it. So I can look back at those moments and have someone to recall that memory with.

Funny thing, with how much I feel like I depend on people...I mean I can't even say I want to move to blah blah, unless I know someone will go with me! I don't move alone...I can't move alone....but I definately can feel my own pain. I am definately the Pride in Pride & Prejudice. I don't want people to think of me as weak, but with that I guess that's all I exude! So what a dumbass I am!

So, here ya go...An intro to me, the me now, and maybe through these entries and refelctions and who knows someone elses comments, I can grow and maybe be someone who isn't so scared of life. SO! Sorry for the incoherent selfish babbling, but it is MY blog...deal!