This is what I'm thinking...nothing! That's a lie...
How do you forget what you told someone...that is hurtful? Seriously! Doesn't make sense to me...
What constitutes being happy? I mean smiles all the time or is it just not being miserable? I mean can content be happy?
And who is anyone to tell you how you are suppose to be? I mean, no one ever really figures it out, b/c you are ALWAYS evolving. People are spounges and even if they think they aren't absorning they are, it just might not be as obvious as others. People are influenced by EVERYTHING. From other people, TV, movies, music, environment. So if you are changing those things around you, you change. No if's and's or but's. Right? SO who I am now, is not who I was or who I will be. So, to wait for someone or yourself to be something "better" isn't the smartest thing to do. "You aren't ready for...blah blah" or "I'm not ready for blah blah." You won't know until you're put in the situation. SO, I am who I am...And now this OLD Jonas Brothers Song is in my head...
And why do people feel like they are OWED something? Just because they exist. WTF?! I don't think so. You get out what you put in...you aren't owed anything for existing. I recognize I am where I am b/c I got me here. So it's up to me to change it if I want! But that doesn't mean I can't complain, don't get me wrong...you can whine all you want, but just not to anyone. I choose to whine to people who will listen or to myself, but I know it's in my hands...that's not a new concept. Anyone can have a pity party, that's just human. But that pity party isn't going to FIX anything, it just lets you be a little self-indulgent, which is ok...just a waste and if thats what you want to do then hey! Party away!
Nothing is worth the stress I put on myself, which is something I am coming to realize. I think about it more and more often, its just now I am putting into practice. I might be over doing it, but dude, I have been wound so tight the past 6 or 7 years, for me to just take a break doesn't seem so bad to me. It doesn't mean I don't care, but I am not putting any effort in drama or defenses...and when I feel done with something, then I'm done. I'm sorry if you guys get some of it, but dude, I have WAY more gray hair than I need. I need some fun and mindless entertainment sometimes. I need to think and say what I feel and be up front, and tell you what needs to be said, but I won't sit on a topic if its not doing anything. Just sitting and talking about the whats and whys won't fix it....this is what it is, so now where do we go from here...not, how did that happen...I know how it happened, doesn't matter, I understand where I went wrong, but now onto what needs to be done to rectify it. Make sense?
Hannah Montana got it right...Life's what you make it! HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry thats what was playing on my iPod...
Well, I guess that's all that is on my mind as of now...who knows what I might post later!
BTW- I wrote this about a week ago and just now posting it! Stay tuned for some more crap coming your way!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Therapy
If you would have talked to me Wednesday, or even Thursday before 7:15pm, I would have whined and been pissed about someone telling me I had gained a lot of weight. Someone who's opinion of me happens to mean a lot to me. Enough that while I was working on Thursday I had my iPod going with my headphones and tearing up a bit thinking about the words I read in the text. And then, my life had a big bumple...
I saw a woman walk into the store. Now this part is hard for me, which I almost find funny. I mean the night this happened I had to tell it a bajillion times to the poilce, detectives, forensic people...The owner if the store, my family...I mean I said it over and over again. And now it seems so hard. It's on replay in my head...I see it over and over again...but...anyway...the story. The woman came in to the store and asked about the phones the store sells. I tell her about it and when I finished and asked if she had any questions she pulls out this revolver(the only reason I know this is b/c that's what the police told me what it was) and says to me, "Look, I'm in a predicament. I have this gun and bleach and I need you to walk with me over here and get this money" My body honest to God went HOT. I mean it was like if you touched me I would have given 3rd degree burns. I went over to the register opened it and stepped back letting her take what she wanted. I let her touch everything. She asked for my keys and my purse. She was a little disappointed I only had 4 dollars, but she took the keys made me walk with her to the front where she proceeded to leave and lock me in the store. Now, I have to say I am proud looking back that I was a collected as I was with her. I mean, I stared at her face memorizing what I could, but I think that had a lot to do with not wanting to look at the gun. She watched me at the front as she walked away and as soon as I was out of her line of sight I ran to the my cell phone and the store's phone. I set off the silent alarm and VERY shakily called Tony, the store's owner. I left him a frantic message b/c at this point I was loosing it. I was frantic and scared and just couldn't hold it together. I called Kimberly, my brother's fiancee, she works at the store. I begged her to come up and let me out. I was still stuck in the store.
I called everyone. Mom, Dad, the police...and I was waiting for SOMEONE. Kimberly got to me first. I was just in and out of reality. I would be calm for two seconds and the I would cry. About 10 minutes later, a cop finally showed up. Where I proceeded to tell her the story. Soon more and more cops came and I told the story again and again. Then the owner and his wife came up. Then one detective...the my parents. They weren't allowed in the store yet. Trying to keep everything closed off until the forensics guy came and took prints. Then I met the forensics guy. And he was pretty awesome. The first guy who stopped for a second and hugging me and said, "First thing, is it's a good thing you're ok." Before asking questions or anything, he just aknowledged my feelings. Then I get to go to the backroom with Mr. Dragnet(that's not his real name, but he reminded me of the guy from the show) and he took my statement with a recorder and all. So, this is about the 100 millionth time I went over the story. Around this time, I felt dazed? I wonder if thats really how I felt. But I was just in a fog. I got to see my mom, who came in and just hugged me. Everyone was talking around me and I was sipping on water that someone had got me.
Later Mr. Dragnet asked me to take a ride with him, apparently they found someone that met my discription. I was crazy detailed on the face. I mean the woman had a lazy eye. I knew if I saw her again I would know her, no doubt. Anyway, we drove about 5 minutes down the road to a convenient store. There were already 4 other cop cars there lights going. I was in the taurus detective car. the ones without all the poilce crap on it. Incognito...I guess. The cops outside slowly walked the woman they caught to my sight, before they could ask me I knew, "That's her. That's her." I said it a few times feeling really tense. The guy that was in the back said to give him a minute that he would bring her a little closer to make sure I was sure. Mr. Dragnet next to me tried to calm me down. I was crying. He told me that she couldn't see in, the way the windows are designed with the tints and all...the man that was next to the woman now looked to the car and held up a thumbs up, asking if I still thought it was her. And I knew. It was her. Anyway, they formally arrested her at this point b/c then she ended up in one of the police cars and then I was left in the car alone while they went and searched her car.
I got back...to the store and it was done. I was told by Mr. Dragnet that I did a good job. And then by the remaining officers that I did a good job. And that didn't make me feel better. My mom drove me home. I was trying to be light hearted and joking. I didn't want to feel like a burden or a downer. Or I didn't want anyone to put anymore thought on me than normal.
I know I joke about being the center of the universe, but it is an act. I don't want people to make a fuss over me which is why I tend to downplay everything. I don't express hurt feelings...
I have slept with the lights on in the living room witht he TV very loud. Well, when I do sleep. I tend to sleep more once the sun comes up and people are awake. I don't want to be alone. I am scared to go back to that store. I am scared. And I HATE being scared. I HATE IT! I hate feeling like this...I hate constantly thinking about this! I hate it! I want to chop this out of my brain and just pretend it never happened. So I seclude myself and try to talk about an upcoming small trip. A trip to a concert that I am looking forward to.
I am in a house with the most high strung woman on the face of the earth. And I know she is worried about me and I don't want her to be. I have people surrounding me who want to help and I don't know what they could do. I can't talk anymore and I don't know what the hell to say to make me feel better. And someone asked, "What is it like to face your own mortality?" Like now I am suppose to have a clear view of what I want and know that my life could end at any moment so I should be proud and be where I want to be. And I want to jump into life and live it the way I always wanted to, but I am not any surer of what I want. Like what I want to do, what is my passion. Where I see myself...Right now I am scared and don't want to do much of anything. I have been to the bathroom, the couch and my parents room in my house. That's it!
This is way too long of me rambling and carrying on. Just wanted to write something out, b/c that's usually the most honest I am and maybe it's a small step into whatever I need to do to be better. To be me again. B/c I don't feel like me.
I saw a woman walk into the store. Now this part is hard for me, which I almost find funny. I mean the night this happened I had to tell it a bajillion times to the poilce, detectives, forensic people...The owner if the store, my family...I mean I said it over and over again. And now it seems so hard. It's on replay in my head...I see it over and over again...but...anyway...the story. The woman came in to the store and asked about the phones the store sells. I tell her about it and when I finished and asked if she had any questions she pulls out this revolver(the only reason I know this is b/c that's what the police told me what it was) and says to me, "Look, I'm in a predicament. I have this gun and bleach and I need you to walk with me over here and get this money" My body honest to God went HOT. I mean it was like if you touched me I would have given 3rd degree burns. I went over to the register opened it and stepped back letting her take what she wanted. I let her touch everything. She asked for my keys and my purse. She was a little disappointed I only had 4 dollars, but she took the keys made me walk with her to the front where she proceeded to leave and lock me in the store. Now, I have to say I am proud looking back that I was a collected as I was with her. I mean, I stared at her face memorizing what I could, but I think that had a lot to do with not wanting to look at the gun. She watched me at the front as she walked away and as soon as I was out of her line of sight I ran to the my cell phone and the store's phone. I set off the silent alarm and VERY shakily called Tony, the store's owner. I left him a frantic message b/c at this point I was loosing it. I was frantic and scared and just couldn't hold it together. I called Kimberly, my brother's fiancee, she works at the store. I begged her to come up and let me out. I was still stuck in the store.
I called everyone. Mom, Dad, the police...and I was waiting for SOMEONE. Kimberly got to me first. I was just in and out of reality. I would be calm for two seconds and the I would cry. About 10 minutes later, a cop finally showed up. Where I proceeded to tell her the story. Soon more and more cops came and I told the story again and again. Then the owner and his wife came up. Then one detective...the my parents. They weren't allowed in the store yet. Trying to keep everything closed off until the forensics guy came and took prints. Then I met the forensics guy. And he was pretty awesome. The first guy who stopped for a second and hugging me and said, "First thing, is it's a good thing you're ok." Before asking questions or anything, he just aknowledged my feelings. Then I get to go to the backroom with Mr. Dragnet(that's not his real name, but he reminded me of the guy from the show) and he took my statement with a recorder and all. So, this is about the 100 millionth time I went over the story. Around this time, I felt dazed? I wonder if thats really how I felt. But I was just in a fog. I got to see my mom, who came in and just hugged me. Everyone was talking around me and I was sipping on water that someone had got me.
Later Mr. Dragnet asked me to take a ride with him, apparently they found someone that met my discription. I was crazy detailed on the face. I mean the woman had a lazy eye. I knew if I saw her again I would know her, no doubt. Anyway, we drove about 5 minutes down the road to a convenient store. There were already 4 other cop cars there lights going. I was in the taurus detective car. the ones without all the poilce crap on it. Incognito...I guess. The cops outside slowly walked the woman they caught to my sight, before they could ask me I knew, "That's her. That's her." I said it a few times feeling really tense. The guy that was in the back said to give him a minute that he would bring her a little closer to make sure I was sure. Mr. Dragnet next to me tried to calm me down. I was crying. He told me that she couldn't see in, the way the windows are designed with the tints and all...the man that was next to the woman now looked to the car and held up a thumbs up, asking if I still thought it was her. And I knew. It was her. Anyway, they formally arrested her at this point b/c then she ended up in one of the police cars and then I was left in the car alone while they went and searched her car.
I got back...to the store and it was done. I was told by Mr. Dragnet that I did a good job. And then by the remaining officers that I did a good job. And that didn't make me feel better. My mom drove me home. I was trying to be light hearted and joking. I didn't want to feel like a burden or a downer. Or I didn't want anyone to put anymore thought on me than normal.
I know I joke about being the center of the universe, but it is an act. I don't want people to make a fuss over me which is why I tend to downplay everything. I don't express hurt feelings...
I have slept with the lights on in the living room witht he TV very loud. Well, when I do sleep. I tend to sleep more once the sun comes up and people are awake. I don't want to be alone. I am scared to go back to that store. I am scared. And I HATE being scared. I HATE IT! I hate feeling like this...I hate constantly thinking about this! I hate it! I want to chop this out of my brain and just pretend it never happened. So I seclude myself and try to talk about an upcoming small trip. A trip to a concert that I am looking forward to.
I am in a house with the most high strung woman on the face of the earth. And I know she is worried about me and I don't want her to be. I have people surrounding me who want to help and I don't know what they could do. I can't talk anymore and I don't know what the hell to say to make me feel better. And someone asked, "What is it like to face your own mortality?" Like now I am suppose to have a clear view of what I want and know that my life could end at any moment so I should be proud and be where I want to be. And I want to jump into life and live it the way I always wanted to, but I am not any surer of what I want. Like what I want to do, what is my passion. Where I see myself...Right now I am scared and don't want to do much of anything. I have been to the bathroom, the couch and my parents room in my house. That's it!
This is way too long of me rambling and carrying on. Just wanted to write something out, b/c that's usually the most honest I am and maybe it's a small step into whatever I need to do to be better. To be me again. B/c I don't feel like me.
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