What if?

What if you looked in the mirror one day and realized you were the type of person you hated?

What if you went back in time....would you really change anything? Or do fall back into your old pattern? Are you just who you are?

What if you weren't sure you were the type of person that you hated? What if you look and you are just confused? You stare and dig deep, but you get nothing...does that mean you are nothing?

Going further...you look around you with the people you surround yourself with, there are a lot like you in many ways, but they all have something different. Things you like about them, things you don't. You admire things about them, wish you had some of those qualities, you try them on and they don't fit right on you, so you tweak it and make a new trait. Your own trait.

You talk to people, you listen to people, b/c honestly how much introspection can you really do? You know what you think you're doing...you know your intentions behind it. You do it b/c you don't see anything wrong really. But people tell you what they think. Different people have different reactions, thoughts and feelings. Who's are more important? You feel bad for thinking of your own...so you look at others feelings...how do you decide which ones more. And is there one person's that is MORE important? Why is Hers more than His? Why is His more than Hers? And seriously why when you think of yourself are you branded egocentric and selfish? You can try to be Jesus, but no one is. People throw pity parties, we get obsessed with things that make us have moments of happiness, we like to think what we want. When is it too much?

Is it too much when you hurt one person more? Or is it too much when you hurt everyone all the time? Is it too much when you are hurting yourself? Is it all of that at once?

What do you choose? Why do you choose one? What's the right answer?

Do you try harder?

What if you got soooo many chances to make things better and you still did things to hinder it? Does that mean you really don't care, or you just don't understand?

What if you didn't know what was right? What if there wasn't really a right answer? What if you decided you could hold the guilt b/c you are so use to it? What if you can't deal with the consequences but decide to try anyway?

Why do people themselves in impossible situations? Do we like being victims? Like to feel like the pity parties are justified?

Why do we make it harder for other people who have to make the decisions?

Why do we make it easier?

Why don't we let things just fall?

What if no one lied? What if you decided to never lie again. Like in liar liar? Did that prove that all lies are bad or does it say that some lies are alright?

What if you died tomorrow would you be happy with all of the things you have done? Would you have regrets?

I am going to say of coarse I would, but I am not sure how I would change it or what I would change. B/c those choices/mistakes/paths are what make me what build me. I like me to an extent. I am still deciding on my traits. What I do know is that I have surrounded myself with people who love me and try to help me in the best way they know. My husband who I have hurt who for some reason still loves me even though he expects the hurt now. I have friends that try to do anything to make my life easier b/c they know how much of a screw up I can be. I have 2 friends who listen to everything good or bad and don't make judgements or judgemental statements about me or whatever I am talking about. They understand that I just need to vent. To all of the people in my life, I love you all. I do so much. I will screw up and sometimes I know I am doing it and sometimes I don't. And one day I will do things so that my decisions won't hurt anyone, one day I will figure it all out. But for now, Thank you.