If you would have talked to me Wednesday, or even Thursday before 7:15pm, I would have whined and been pissed about someone telling me I had gained a lot of weight. Someone who's opinion of me happens to mean a lot to me. Enough that while I was working on Thursday I had my iPod going with my headphones and tearing up a bit thinking about the words I read in the text. And then, my life had a big bumple...
I saw a woman walk into the store. Now this part is hard for me, which I almost find funny. I mean the night this happened I had to tell it a bajillion times to the poilce, detectives, forensic people...The owner if the store, my family...I mean I said it over and over again. And now it seems so hard. It's on replay in my head...I see it over and over again...but...anyway...the story. The woman came in to the store and asked about the phones the store sells. I tell her about it and when I finished and asked if she had any questions she pulls out this revolver(the only reason I know this is b/c that's what the police told me what it was) and says to me, "Look, I'm in a predicament. I have this gun and bleach and I need you to walk with me over here and get this money" My body honest to God went HOT. I mean it was like if you touched me I would have given 3rd degree burns. I went over to the register opened it and stepped back letting her take what she wanted. I let her touch everything. She asked for my keys and my purse. She was a little disappointed I only had 4 dollars, but she took the keys made me walk with her to the front where she proceeded to leave and lock me in the store. Now, I have to say I am proud looking back that I was a collected as I was with her. I mean, I stared at her face memorizing what I could, but I think that had a lot to do with not wanting to look at the gun. She watched me at the front as she walked away and as soon as I was out of her line of sight I ran to the my cell phone and the store's phone. I set off the silent alarm and VERY shakily called Tony, the store's owner. I left him a frantic message b/c at this point I was loosing it. I was frantic and scared and just couldn't hold it together. I called Kimberly, my brother's fiancee, she works at the store. I begged her to come up and let me out. I was still stuck in the store.
I called everyone. Mom, Dad, the police...and I was waiting for SOMEONE. Kimberly got to me first. I was just in and out of reality. I would be calm for two seconds and the I would cry. About 10 minutes later, a cop finally showed up. Where I proceeded to tell her the story. Soon more and more cops came and I told the story again and again. Then the owner and his wife came up. Then one detective...the my parents. They weren't allowed in the store yet. Trying to keep everything closed off until the forensics guy came and took prints. Then I met the forensics guy. And he was pretty awesome. The first guy who stopped for a second and hugging me and said, "First thing, is it's a good thing you're ok." Before asking questions or anything, he just aknowledged my feelings. Then I get to go to the backroom with Mr. Dragnet(that's not his real name, but he reminded me of the guy from the show) and he took my statement with a recorder and all. So, this is about the 100 millionth time I went over the story. Around this time, I felt dazed? I wonder if thats really how I felt. But I was just in a fog. I got to see my mom, who came in and just hugged me. Everyone was talking around me and I was sipping on water that someone had got me.
Later Mr. Dragnet asked me to take a ride with him, apparently they found someone that met my discription. I was crazy detailed on the face. I mean the woman had a lazy eye. I knew if I saw her again I would know her, no doubt. Anyway, we drove about 5 minutes down the road to a convenient store. There were already 4 other cop cars there lights going. I was in the taurus detective car. the ones without all the poilce crap on it. Incognito...I guess. The cops outside slowly walked the woman they caught to my sight, before they could ask me I knew, "That's her. That's her." I said it a few times feeling really tense. The guy that was in the back said to give him a minute that he would bring her a little closer to make sure I was sure. Mr. Dragnet next to me tried to calm me down. I was crying. He told me that she couldn't see in, the way the windows are designed with the tints and all...the man that was next to the woman now looked to the car and held up a thumbs up, asking if I still thought it was her. And I knew. It was her. Anyway, they formally arrested her at this point b/c then she ended up in one of the police cars and then I was left in the car alone while they went and searched her car.
I got back...to the store and it was done. I was told by Mr. Dragnet that I did a good job. And then by the remaining officers that I did a good job. And that didn't make me feel better. My mom drove me home. I was trying to be light hearted and joking. I didn't want to feel like a burden or a downer. Or I didn't want anyone to put anymore thought on me than normal.
I know I joke about being the center of the universe, but it is an act. I don't want people to make a fuss over me which is why I tend to downplay everything. I don't express hurt feelings...
I have slept with the lights on in the living room witht he TV very loud. Well, when I do sleep. I tend to sleep more once the sun comes up and people are awake. I don't want to be alone. I am scared to go back to that store. I am scared. And I HATE being scared. I HATE IT! I hate feeling like this...I hate constantly thinking about this! I hate it! I want to chop this out of my brain and just pretend it never happened. So I seclude myself and try to talk about an upcoming small trip. A trip to a concert that I am looking forward to.
I am in a house with the most high strung woman on the face of the earth. And I know she is worried about me and I don't want her to be. I have people surrounding me who want to help and I don't know what they could do. I can't talk anymore and I don't know what the hell to say to make me feel better. And someone asked, "What is it like to face your own mortality?" Like now I am suppose to have a clear view of what I want and know that my life could end at any moment so I should be proud and be where I want to be. And I want to jump into life and live it the way I always wanted to, but I am not any surer of what I want. Like what I want to do, what is my passion. Where I see myself...Right now I am scared and don't want to do much of anything. I have been to the bathroom, the couch and my parents room in my house. That's it!
This is way too long of me rambling and carrying on. Just wanted to write something out, b/c that's usually the most honest I am and maybe it's a small step into whatever I need to do to be better. To be me again. B/c I don't feel like me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm glad you don't feel like you. It means you're still in there, and don't like where you are. That's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteIs it just me, or do I remember saying WAY more than that one question: the first thing being "I'm so sorry, baby! I'm so glad you're ok! What happened??" And "I'm very proud of you for the way you handled that. You did extremely well."
I know it's unnerving. I've had two guns pointed at my face. It's not just you: It messed me up, too. Three things helped me understand it better.
1. It was the combination of where I was and when I was there, and the same thing for them. God didn't hate me, or think I was a bad person, and it wasn't because of some divine trick that they'd put my life into question like that. They were wrong to put my life into question, just as they were wrong to use yours as a bargaining chip. That's all you were to her: a means to get what she wanted. She didn't see you as breathing, sweet, Drue. She saw a person who wanted to survive, and would give her anything she wanted if she put that survival into question. That's all that situation was. Stupid, isn't it?
2. Do not dwell on what could have been. Appreciate what you have, and move in THAT direction. Don't hide. Prove to your fears that you're not afraid of them. It sounds childish and stupid, but it's true, and it works. Embody your fears, and make them moot. THAT's what the question was for. It wasn't asked in the rhetorical sense you took it. It was asked in spirit of giving a direction and helping you out of what you were going to go through. I.e.- I still swing punches if I'm startled awake sometimes, because of a fist-fight I got into when I was 8. Instances like this will shape how you do things in the future. It's a fact. What you can do about it is to direct it in a positive channel, or let it run rampant and get more and more scared and fly apart. It wasn't to make you experience the Tao, or mystical insight or whatever. I love you. I was trying to help, and to give a different perspective. I was pretty shook, too. I wanted nothing more than to come hug you and hold you, and just rub your head.
3. It's a breed of depravity, desperation, or insanity that makes someone do that, and there is not going to be any way to figure out 'why'. You know me and this question. There isn't an answer here. Not that I've found, anyway. And I don't want you to have it happen again so that you can say we're tied, then tell me you don't see one either. :) I know you're shook up. It's ok. Don't keep it in. When you feel like crying, honey, cry your eyes out. But when you're done crying, be done with it. You've just mourned that fear being laid to rest. It doesn't need to be revisited.
Slow down. Take things easy. Don't try to fix them. You always do. Right now, just fix yourself. Your concept of reality was shattered. Concentrate on putting the pieces back. This blog is a start, and a good one. Go stay with Scotty. I don't say this often, but go take a bath, and go to bed. If you start to wig out, write in your journals exactly what's going through your mind. Over time, it will go away.
It's what could be classified as a traumatic experience. Don't down play it. It's important to heal through it. This isn't something you want resurfacing years down the road, or unexpectedly. Trust me. It will slowly eat at you if you do that. TALK it out. WRITE it out. Get it OUT. Don't bottle this up. The other stuff you bottle up is Irritable Bowels type stuff (like the 'fat' comment...who said that, btw? You've been exercising. Tell them to shut up. I don't say that kind of stuff, and you tell me that all the time ;) ). What you went through a few days ago is Hydrochloric Acid times ten. Please promise you'll at least write it out. Don't talk it out with your mom: she'll just get tighter and tighter wound. I've gone through it. And I love you. And I'm more than wanting to talk with you, too.
Don't watch Raising Arizona just yet.
Don't buy a gun. You didn't let me buy one when it happened to me. Besides, owning one makes you a target. You were right about that.
Important thing to remember is to get it out. Write it down. You're not imposing on anybody if you talk to them about it. And if they make you feel like you are, then they're not friends. And nobody here will tell you to be quiet. It's not a "ohmyohmyohmyohmyohmyyouokyouokyouokyouok", but a "Talk about it?" thing. I try my best to support you. The other two do to. Be honest. Don't censor yourself. It's the best thing for you. And we like you to do what's best for you. Because you're all-in-all a cool chick. (and you're the only one I'd have put up with this much for this long. ;) )
I can't describe how much I love you. It's not an expectation involved or an establishment of boundaries and 'how things should be'. It's a gift.
I'm trying to help. Don't take any of what I said in here the wrong way. I love you.
OH! I meant to say in there too:
ReplyDeleteAnd your facing your fears is already happening with you telling about the incident. :)
I love you.
Drue, I completely agree with Avery here. You are on the right path by talking about it - keep that going. Don't ever feel like you're being a burden to anyone by talking about it 'cause Avery's right - people who care about you won't mind one bit.
ReplyDeleteI do know how you feel though about not wanting to be that person who doesn't want to be a "burden or a downer" or something other than "normal". But I'm also pretty sure anyone would have the same kind of reaction as you after being in that situation. Talking about it is definitely a good step towards moving on. You know how to reach me anytime if you need an ear to listen...or even just some company...and I can assure you it'll never be a downer or a burden for me. That being said, I won't try to push you to talk about it either. Simply because, if you're like me, I won't say a word until I'm ready and willing to talk...anything before that doesn't do me any good 'cause I'm just not ready to listen. And I know exactly what you mean about downplaying things so people don't make a fuss over them...I do it too.
You went back to the store already...that's another huge step in the right direction. Lots of other people wouldn't even do that. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to feel the way you'e feeling. It doesn't make you abnormal or a burden - it makes you human. This is further proof that you are one of the toughest people I know!
As for you knowing what you want, I wouldn't expect that to be anymore clear after this encounter you had. I doubt this event was meant to be an epiphany of sorts and I'm sure it probably has the opposite effect right now while you sort things out in your head. Just don't sort them out alone. You've got a lot of people who love you and are so glad that you are ok. If you let us, we won't let you stumble.
I was very glad to see you this week...and I hope in some small way that it was a good thing for you. I'm glad we talked about it this week too. I know we weren't overly analytical about what happened, but the more you talk about it (and I don't mean recounting the story over and over again on the sequence of events) the more "comfortable" you'll start to become with it and that is what makes it easier to keep moving forward. And I know I try to throw a little humor on the situation mainly to try to get a few chuckles going for you but I guess that's one of the ways I deal with tough situations as well. And if you have to go to court and do your part in serving justice to this woman, I'll go with you if you need a friendly face there. Just say when.
I'm so glad that you are ok and things can only get better...